How NOT to Compliment Your Fat Friends

CONTENT WARNING: Eating Disorder mention!!!

So you’re one of two kinds of friends: you’re either the fat friend, or not the fat friend. You can probably guess which one I am. And I’m cool with that! That definitely hasn’t always been the case, but after a lifetime of depriving myself and bouncing in and out of borderline eating disorders, I finally realized that I actually just don’t give a shit what other people think I’m supposed to look like. I didn’t come to this revelation on my own; it took the help of loved ones and inspiring fat femmes, but here I am. I’m your loud, bi, over caffeinated and overly opinionated fat friend, in all my glory.

 And I love this like, wave of support women have for each other these days. It makes me so happy seeing women and girls holding each other up and being supportive of individual experiences, sexualities and bodies. It gives me an inkling of hope for humanity in a time where there is so much going on in the world that can really bring you down. Women who are ride or die for their fat friends hold such a special place in my heart. The girls who gas up their fat friends in the dressing room or before going out dancing for the night, the girls who wanna go eat out with their fat friends and don’t make them feel ashamed for it, those are the MVPs. You make us feel loved and accepted, and are so integral to our journey to self-love and acceptance. Thank you, ladies. 

Here’s the thing, though. Sometimes, you think you’re being supportive, and you say some weird shit. We fatties get that it comes from the kindest and most giving place in your hearts, and so we take it, but sometimes your compliments are a little backhanded and can leave us grappling. So I’m going to help you out, and breakdown a list of the top few almost compliments you should NEVER give your fat friends. 

1.  “You have such a pretty face.” This is the big one. Yeah ok my face is pretty, but what about the rest of me? Every other fat girl I’ve ever spoken to about this can literally always remember the first time someone said this to them. It feels so backhanded! Why not just say I’m pretty, instead of insinuate that there’s another part of my being which must be overlooked?  Don’t dissect me like that; talk to me as a whole person, not just parts varying in levels of attractiveness.. 
2. “You’re not fat!” Well, I’m also not an idiot, so I know that I am. And at this point in my elevated awareness of social constructs, I understand that there is nothing wrong with that. Tell me I look good, not that I don’t look fat, because then you’re insinuating there’s an issue with looking the way that I do. Which there isn’t. Obviously.
3. “You look so skinny! Have you lost weight?” No, Mom, for the 100th time I haven’t lost any weight. I’m just as fat as the last time you saw me, and chances are I will be the time after that, too. GOSH!

I could go one forever, but I think you get the point. I know you slim girls mean well and want to help make your bigger friends feel at ease, and in my experience, you usually do! And thank you! Just be careful and considerate when complimenting your fat friends when size is involved, and make sure that you believe yourself that there is truly nothing ugly or undesirable about being fat. If you don’t believe it, you’ll sound like you don’t believe it when you speak, and you’ll end up doing more damage than good. This concludes my PSA.

Thanks to all girls, (and people across the wide spectrum of gender identities), big and small, for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments below!

​